• What is your definition of a traditional marriage? Do you consider yours to be traditional or contemporary?


• What scriptures do you turn to (if any) when determining your role in your marriage?


• In the sharing of duties in your home (childcare, work, house cleaning), are you and your husband satisfied with the way things get done? If not, how would you or he like it to change?

My parents have a traditional marriage. They do not have a Christian marriage, so the two are not inseparable characteristics. I know of Christian marriages that are nontraditional as well. For me, a traditional marriage means that the wife primarily cares for the family and the home, and the husband is the primary provider for the family. For me a biblical traditional marriage means that there is a distinction in the hierarchy of the family relationships. The husband takes on a servant-leadership role as the head of the family and the wife joyfully and willfully supports that leadership. This is not necessarily a popular marital relationship in today's society, though in Christian circles it is certainly more common.

I consider our marriage to be a traditional one and Jason and I both like it that way. Neither of us make big decisions without the other's consent, but if we are at odds about something I usually accept Jason's decision. If I still strongly disagree, we will talk about it in private and see if we can compromise so that we both are satisfied with the final decision. We try not to argue in front of the children, though occasionally we "forget" this rule. I consider my main jobs to be those of wife and mom. It is important for me to be able to cook meals, care for our home (though housecleaning is farther down on the priority list than family or homeschooling, so it often takes a backseat), organize the family's activities, and teach our children. At this point I also work part time. I hope someday to be able to stay home full time, but working at a church allows me to work from home, take the kids with me, and have a flexible schedule, so I can easily put my family first. Jason works full time as a college professor and also part time at the church as organist and co-music and arts director. He also cares for the outside of the home, car issues and most big financial issues, though I do the monthly bills. Jason helps out a lot with the kids in terms of bedtimes, taking them to and from activities, and playtime. He dislikes the baby stage, however. Once the kids turn 6 months, he's much happier. He has yet to change Zachary's diaper, and that doesn't bother me a bit.

Many of these things are superficial and don't make or break a traditional marriage arrangement. I think it is our attitude in marriage that counts the most. Do my kids see me as a servant to my family? Does my husband feel respected in our home? Is Christ being honored by our relationship?

A few of the scriptures I look to for my role in marriage are:

• Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph. 5:22-3, 25, 33)


• Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. (Eph. 4:2-3)


• The Woman of Noble Character, Proverbs 31:10-31

Jason and I read Rocking the Roles together last year and the authors gave wonderful definitions of both old-style traditional and what he terms "roleless" marriages and then contrasted both of them against the biblical design for marriage. He states the problems with the traditional 50's style marriage as:

• absentee/workaholic fathers


• devalued women- wives "were neither esteemed nor challenged"


• mutual tolerance- a disconnected marriage, completely different from the "one flesh" marriage of the bible

He then describes the flaws in the current trend toward "roleless" and "egalitarian" marriages.

"Marriage is an organization. And like any organization, large or small, it can succeed only by accepting the timeless principle that the partners carry out complementary [not 'same'] functions. In other words, marriages work best when the partners have roles."

"Is there any historical precedent for the roleless marriage? The answer is no...Every known society, past or present, assigns to the men a primary responsibility for the government of the larger groupings within a society, and assigns to the women a preimary responsibility for the daily maintenance of the household unit and the care of the younger children."

The Bible is very clear about how marriage should be organized...the husband is responsible for a specific kind of leadership. Meanwhile the wife is responsible for a specific kind of support and nurture...Second, instead of diminishing gender distinctions, the Bible insists on them." God created both man and woman to as a couple reflect His image.

I could go on, but this wasn't meant to be a review of the book, though Jason and I both got a lot out of it and enjoyed reading it together.
Do I think all marriages need to follow the same exact blueprint? No. Do I believe that Christian marriages have more potential for intimacy and oneness with the biblical blueprint. Yes. Even in my marriage with two flawed people making daily mistakes, having this same ideal keeps us on one path.

How about you? How would you answer these questions? Post on your blog and link back here to share with others. Otherwise, leave your thoughts on the comments page.

---

And now for the Challenge!

Beginning June 18 I will be hosting the

Honor Your Husband 30-Day Challenge.

I hope you will prayerfully consider joining with me and other women as we place a day-to-day emphasis on choosing to honor and respect our husbands in our words and actions. Who knows, it might just become a habit!

Look for the exact guidelines on the 18th, spread the word and come back and link up. You will not have to post on the Marriage Monday topic each week to update us on your progress. At the end of the challenge I will randomly choose a participant to receive a gift from me to your marriage!

Labels: Marriage Monday

Our neighbors recently went away just the two of them, without their children. When they returned and we were all spending time outside with all of the kids she said, "I'd forgotten that we really get along when the kids aren't with us!"

Times away from the everyday routine, whether we have kids or not, is essential to a healthy marriage. These breaks can manifest themselves as planned vacations (with or without kids), dates, or retreats together. My parents, while unable to ever take vacations together because of work schedules, did plan regular date nights. My mom says the time in their lives when they were able to get away regularly to a restaurant to talk and reconnect was welcomed as an important part of their lives together.

Jason and I took our first vacation together when we were dating. It was an impromptu trip to Disney World, which was 4 hours away from where we went to college. I remember that trip and others up until the time we had kids as times of discovery. The car trips and plane trips were filled with conversations and the peeling back of the layers of ourselves we didn't yet know. I never read a book and Jason never opened a study score, instead we talked and laughed and made up silly stories. Occasionally I would read aloud as he drove somewhere. It was part of the early phase of our relationship.

Once we were married and had children, our vacations were mainly to visit family, which was all out-of-state. Those kind of trips were much different. We had logistical issues surrounding the children, car trips weren't nearly as free and enjoyable, and we had little time alone together. Over the years we have realized the importance of taking a weekend here and there for just us. We have been on marriage retreat weekends, taken trips to choral conventions and had the occasional night at a B & B. Those times allow us to recharge our collective battery- the one that keeps our home and family running smoothly- and remember why we married and had children to begin with! It was even on one of these weekends that we decided our family should grow to 5 from our national-average size of 4.

From week to week, however, we rarely find time for dates. This is merely the fault of our schedules as musicians, which require many weekend and evening rehearsals and events. We protect our family dinners together and sometimes go out to dinner as a family, but our dates happen only every 2-3 months. This is something I'd love to work on improving, but it will take a lot of planning in advance. It's simply a matter of prioritizing.

I have known couples that take dates often, and other couples who don't ever get a sitter. I think it is important for our children to see us putting time and effort into Mommy-Daddy time, showing them that our marriage, the origin of our family and a covenant with God, is high on our list of priorities. It is something well worth investing time and money in to provide an example for our children.

What about you? What does your vacation and date time look like? If you'd like to post on your blog about this topic, come back and add your link. Otherwise, leave your thoughts in the comment section.

Blessings on your marriage!

Labels: Marriage Monday

While this week has brought its challenges, it has also seen many joys.

• It has been a blessing this week to see my children enjoying each other's company. So often we are running from place to place, they are begging to play with the neighbors instead of each other, or they are bickering and I separate them out of sheer necessity. This week, due to illness, we have stayed home. The kids have been kind to each other, more forgiving of each other, and more creative about playing together. Maybe being so sick they had to lie on the couch for a couple of days made them appreciate each other that much more!


• Elliot has finally been responding to my attempts at teaching him to ask instead of screech. When he wants to be picked up, he now comes to my legs and looks up at me saying, "Teeeeeeee", which means "Please". It's so cute that even if I really can't pick him up at the moment, I do anyway!


• Zachary has figured out his days and nights and has not been up for an extended period of time in the middle of the night for a week now. Yay!!


• Jason and I have been surviving for the past 6 weeks instead of connecting. It was wonderful to go out with him on a date last weekend.


• I am so thankful for parents who are absolutely wonderful to my children. Seeing them take such joy in spending time with the kids makes me so happy.

Visit Iris for more thankful lists today!

Labels: Marriage Monday, Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for:

• Maddy's success in potty training, finally!! She has struggled with severe constipation since birth (she was a micropreemie) and has recently begun having bowel movements on the potty. Maybe TMI, but this has been a major stress for over a year!


• A high tolerance for pain. I have been a human pincushion as of late with the bedrest, birth and the necessary shots I've been giving myself daily. Today I got a steroid shot for a bad case of poison ivy (which I am not thankful for) and I hope it kicks in soon!!


• Little Zachary, though I'm up at this crazy hour because he won't sleep. He's incredibly cute, so I don't mind...


• My bloggy friends, old and new, who encourage me on a daily basis.


• This verse: "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Visit Iris for more thankful lists!

Labels: Marriage Monday, Thankful Thursday

My mom once told me the story of a couple who had a very upper-crust and fast lifestyle- travel, careers, parties. They told her that they were planning to have children but that the children wouldn't affect the way they lived. She said later that, sadly, when they did have children their lifestyle indeed did not change at all. Those children were forced to fit into their parents' selfishness, rather than creating and becoming part of a family unit.

There is no doubt about it. Children change your life, and they should. I say this knowing that not everyone who reads my blog has children. Some of you have struggled with, or are still struggling with, infertility. Maybe some of you have chosen to not have children at all. Any way you look at it, having children, or the desire to have them, or even the choice to not have them, is a big decision and something that influences us personally and within our marriage.

When Jason and I were married we were both busy master's students. We were working through school, performing a lot, and not at all ready to have children. Jason was looking forward to pursuing an opera career and I was planning on getting a college teaching job in choral music. Jason told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't even want to talk about having children for 5 years. Being busy and career focused myself, I agreed.

One month after we were married, however, I was forced to take a pregnancy test. I was unexpectedly pregnant with our honeymoon surprise. Jason basically freaked out. To make a long story short, we both eventually became excited (though Jason took a little longer than I did to get there) and welcomed our Colin just under 3 months shy of our 1st anniversary.

Things changed dramatically. I chose not to pursue a career, instead focusing on our family. Jason travelled for opera jobs but missed us terribly and eventually settled into a more stable job. Jason's political views even shifted from liberal to conservative, which was a huge shift for him. Having children is a recipe for change.

In our marriage, the lessons I have learned and continue to learn since having children, and in large part because of having children are many. Some of the important ones include:

• Jason and I don't have to do things the same way to get a similar result. As long as we have the same values and goals for our children, how differently we put them to bed, play with them, and otherwise interact with them really means very little. This lesson took me a while to learn. Our children are not just mine and I cannot dictate how Jason should parent, and vice versa. I still sometimes have a tendency to want things to be my way, but it is healthy for the kids to see us as individuals with different styles and personalities as long as we are presentng a united front.


• I love Jason differently, and better, now that I see him as a dad and not just a husband. Seeing him get down on the floor and play with the kids, clean up after a potty accident, or rock a sick child brings something deep and satisfying in me to the surface. It is truly one of the greatest joys I have to see the children run to the window screaming, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" when he gets home.


• We have to pay much closer attention to our relationship now or it will wither a bit every day. Children sap the life out of us at times. If I always forego time with Jason in favor of the children, or say I'm too tired for sex because I was up all night with the baby, or spend time making the kids look nice but never myself (this is a personal flaw), our marriage will eventually show signs of neglect.


• We are a team, through thick and through thin. The kids see us as a team automatically. We would have to actively sabotage that to cause the children to see us as a divided front. So we choose, almost without fail, to support each other in front of the kids and save our disagreements for another time.


• Parenting is hard and we must give each other grace or we'll never survive. Enough said.

I think there are certain things in life that automatically mature you, if you let them influence your life. Having children is one of those things. Since we never had any married time before children, Jason and I work harder to keep an identity as a couple and to put each other first. And I was surprised to find that each individual child changed our marriage in different ways. Colin is the easy one, our rule follower, but has trouble standing up to the crowd. Maddy tests our patience every day with her behavior and yet we don't worry about people pushing her around. Elliot is the child we decided to have once we had decided to not have any more kids. Zachary is our newborn and the end of our little clan. Each child has their challenges and rewards, and Jason and I have learned something different about each other through parenting each one.

I expect our marriage to go through stages as the kids grow and present new challenges and opportunities. Hopefully we can just build on the lessons we've learned and always move forward and grow within our relationship. God has given us our children to teach us, as well as learn from us. Our marriage can thrive amidst the chaos if we keep God in the center and put each other first.


If you'd like to post about this topic on your blog, please link your post below!

Labels: Marriage Monday

Today I'm especially thankful for:

• A better night's sleep. Zachary only woke up to nurse 2 times and went right back to sleep.


• Toddler jargon. Elliot talks a blue streak, though no one knows what he's saying...


• Jason's work schedule. He works at a college and is off for the summer so he can spend more time with us. Yay!


• Studying ancient Rome with Colin. History is so much more fun at home than when I was in school!


• A God that understands my frustrations and forgives my failures.


• My parents coming to visit next weekend which means date night for me and my hubby!

Visit Iris for more thankful lists to bless your day!

Labels: Marriage Monday, Thankful Thursday

My Little Zachary,


I guess in the back of my mind I knew the day would someday come. The day we welcomed our last child. Our blessed caboose. The flesh and blood end of this season in my life. I never thought it would come at the suggestion of someone else, even my doctors; I never thought it would be because my body couldn't handle another pregnancy. And yet, knowing gives me the opportunity to cherish even more fully every moment with you. All of the moments, 9 days of which are already gone, will be treasured gifts in my life, times to remember and be thankful.

...your brown sugar hair brushing against my cheek...

...your pursed lips, forming a tiny 'o'...

...soft breath on my shoulder...

And as you grow, precious one, I pray that our loving God will give me the power to pause time, to pay attention even in the midst of our busy life, and to celebrate each of the stages of your life. There will be some events I'll be happy to say goodbye to (I've never been fond of potty training), but for the others, I'll let go only at time's insistence.

I have enjoyed my growth into motherhood. I am more relaxed, more accepting of myself and less likely to wish away the little moments of each day. Knowing the fatigue will soon pass, I cherish the middle-of-the-night feedings and soothe you without thought of the next day's activities. I will only have you little for so long. In the blink of an eye, this season will be over.

I am so thankful for you. Your life, God's gift to our family, brings completion to mine.


Song for a Fifth [Last] Child

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.


by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Labels: Joys underfoot, Marriage Monday, Thankful Thursday

To the new bride,

Congratulations! What a wonderful journey you've begun. I hope that your day was special- that you were relaxed enough to remember it- and that joy and love characterized the festivities. By now the dress is hung, the leftover cake is in the freezer, the pictures are being developed and you are enjoying your time on your honeymoon with the love of your life.

Let me assure you however, that you know relatively little of love now. I say this not to offend you, but to excite you; not to sadden you, but to fill you with anticipation.

Real love is not looking across the aisle and saying I do. It's not sharing a kiss in front of family and friends. It's not posing for pictures, paying the band, or dancing the first dance as husband and wife.

True love is so much more. It is rarely spoken of in books, and even less often in Hollywood movies. It is not glamorous, sexy or spine-tingling. It is not candlelight, a romantic beach walk, or talking till the wee hours of the morning with no regard to the next day's activities. True love can include those things, but often does not.

I had the romantic notion of love that most new brides do. I couldn't wait to start my new life with my chosen one- to choose furniture for our new condo, make new meals to please his palate, have my toothbrush next to his, and all of the other superficial things that seem to solidify the fact that I was married.

I knew nothing. What I expected and what reality brought were completely different.

Though I could never tell you what true love will look like for you, I can give you a glimpse of what is to come if you are willing to open your eyes and heart to something perhaps foreign and unexpected. You have the choice, every day, to make your marriage real or keep it false. The first couple of years you are together will be hard. This man you think you know will do things that appall and annoy you. You in turn will completely disappoint him more than once, dare I say more than once a day?? You will learn that all disappointment comes from unmet expectations and when you learn this you will have the biggest choice of all.

Will you eventually choose that your expectations are more important than your marriage and try to find someone else who can meet them?

Or will you choose you husband, the flawed man that he is, long after your wedding dress is forgotten in the back of your closet and the cake is freezer burned, as more important than those expectations that can be changed so much easier than he can?

Right now you can't even imagine the day will come that you will need to make that choice. And maybe you will be lucky and have appropriate expectations right from the start! But more than likely you will do the hard work, as most couples do, and slowly create a love that, while it may barely resemble the sparks of your courtship, will be the sea that carries you through the storms of life.

So I've mentioned some things that real love is not, let me leave you with some examples of what real love is to me:

Real love is caring for your husband during a long illness, as kids, work and your own needs all beg for your attention.

Real love is a man who kisses your Csection scar, claiming it is one of your most beautiful parts.

Real love is hearing your children scream, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" as your husband walks through the door, tired from work, and watching him get down to wrestle before he even takes off his tie.

Real love is real.

Real love is irreplaceable.

Real love is what I pray you someday achieve.

Blessings for your marriage,
Christine

---

What advice would you give to a new bride? Post your link below!

Labels: Marriage Monday

What a whirlwind week for our family! Here's my list- there's so much to be thankful for:

• Little hands, little feet, little lips, little eyelashes, little squeaks, little ears...you get the picture!


• Zachary is now in my room and will go home with me tomorrow!


• God's protection on Zachary and myself resulting in a healthy delivery.


• Wonderful doctors and nurses and their care.


• Friends who've come to visit. (Jess- thanks for the cord! It doesn't quite fit so no pictures yet!!)


• My blogging friends- what a welcome little Zack has received!


• The faces of my 2 oldest as they look at their new brother. That is one of the reasons we had another child.


• Jason- who has blessed me by taking on extra work to care for our family while I was on bedrest and now am in the hospital. I love him even though he wants to use a wrench to take out my staples...


• My sis, Sue, who kept you all informed and my sis-in-law, Karen, who has come to help out for a few days.


• The laptop and wireless service in the hospital.


• Laughter, even though it hurts!


• An amazing God who created motherhood. What an incredible gift, in whatever form it comes.

And please pray for Heather. Her brain surgery is today.

Visit my wonderful friend Iris for more thankful lists today!

Labels: Marriage Monday, Thankful Thursday

*This post is not yet finished - Christine is in the hospital again tonight with contractions. She asked me to post this for her. Either she or I will give an update tomorrow.*

We all have 'em. We all learned from 'em (for good and bad). Hopefully they were and still are supportive and loving and provide a wonderful resource for inspiration in our marriages. Unfortunately this isn't always the case. Here are the questions to think about for today's Marriage Monday:

• Was it difficult for either you or your husband to separate from your family? Was it difficult for your family to separate from you?


• How was your first year of marriage as a new "family"?


• What kind of influence do your families of origin have on your marriage now?


• How do you protect the integrity of your family unit from outside influences?

Jason and I had very different experiences in our families growing up. Not only did we live in completely different parts of the country, but he lost his mother to cancer at the tender age of 13. His family unit, suffice it to say, was never the same after that and he spent his teenaged years pretty much on his own. My parents were married very young, began a family very young, and are still together now.

Jason and I were married at 26 years of age and just prior to our wedding there was a huge blow up with his side of the family. It was an incredibly stressful situation and one that rocked our marriage before the wedding even took place. Luckily we were in premarital counseling at the time and we were able to process through a lot of the mess together and therefore came out stronger on the other side.

This series of events did teach us a very important lesson. We needed to look out for each other and our relationship above all else. Jason could have taken off. I could have been scared away. But our friendship remained and provided us with a solid foundation on which to build our marriage. There are still ripples of the conflict, one that was never resolved (not for lack of trying), to this day.

Neither of us grew up with a Christian marriage for a model. We have spent the last 7 years figuring out what it means to have that "three-strand cord" and God at the center of our family. It has been very rewarding to see the growth in our marriage, even during rough patches, and find that we both have the same values when it comes to what we want for our relationship.

One lesson that I have had to learn, and am still learning, is to keep all conflict in my marriage between Jason and me. If we would ever need a mediator, we would seek an objective person out, but up till now our conflicts have been handled between the two of us. I am very close with my mom (Hi Mom!) and early on the tendency I had was to gripe to her about little things that got on my nerves. Through the Holy Spirit's leading, I realized the sin in that behavior and instead try very hard to keep my thoughts to myself. It is not OK to speak poorly about your spouse to anyone, even your close family members.

Carol Brazo in her book No Ordinary Home speaks of setting healthy boundaries around her marriage.

The first boundary meant that no one would ever come between us. So far our deepest relationships had been with our families, but God told us to leave them and be one. Now our first loyalty would be to each other. Always. No matter what...God was not asking us to leave [our families] completely, never to see them again. God was asking us to leave home emotionally and spiritually...And God was asking our families...to step back. To quiet their hearts and allow God to work His good pleasure in us...[This] is a boundary set by God to be honored.

Labels: Marriage Monday

Looking back on our marriage and dating relationship, it's easy to see that Jason and I are different people with different needs. I've said in the past how we complement each other and how he makes my rough places smooth and I his. It's a wonderful plan God had to put us together.

In the area of our time, we have many of the same priorities. However in some areas our needs differ and over the last several years we've also learned how to give each other the space to celebrate the things about us that make us who we are.

The four ways of spending free time, as I see them, are:

• Family Time


• Couple Time


• Social Time


• Individual Time

We both place a high value on family time. I don't mean sitting in front of the TV together, either. Our children hold a very high place on our list when it comes to what we do with our free time. We are a game family- we have dozens and dozens of children's and family games- so we spend a significant amount of time playing games. We also will often make weekends our errand time and go as a family to shop, go to the park, get ice cream, stop off at Jason's work for something, and overall just spend time together in the daily deeds of life. Jason is the main catalyst for this acivity since he fondly remembers going grocery shopping with his family when he was younger.

We also try to take time with each of the kids separately if possible. Jason will take Colin to the local observatory for a nighttime stargazing event. Maddy's just getting to the age and level of maturity where this may be a possibility for her to go with them. Jason has also taken Maddy to the pottery shop. I take Colin to violin lessons and we spend the 20 minute ride in the car both ways either telling stories or playing the alphabet game. Making sure our kids get time with us individually is almost as important as being together as a family.

Jason and I also would rather spend time with each other than pretty much anyone else. We could be better about scheduling actual dates (I, personally, love to go out to dinner and he loves the movies) but with sitters and the expense of a "normal" date, this is not often possible. Add that to the fact that as musicians we have very odd hours with night and weekend rehearsals and such, and we're hard-pressed to have a date more than once a month or two. But one thing we have put into place that is crucial for our time together is evenings to ourselves. We put our kids to bed early. All 3 are in their rooms by 8 pm. After that, usually Jason spends a bit of time on work and I blog or do homeschool or church work and then we spend time together. Sometimes it's just vegging in front of the TV (not a good habit, I know), other times it's heart-to-hearts about our day or what's concerning us. We finish the evening reading in bed side-by-side.

Where our needs begin to differ is in social time. I am a much more social person than Jason. He often jokes that his dream home would be on 100 acres with no neighbors in sight, and I think he means it! It's not that he doesn't like people, but he's an introvert in the truest sense of the word. His energy comes from being alone or with our family. He does like to golf with buddies and he used to play tennis, but for the most part his social activities center around the things we do with other families. Our church group meets monthly and he really enjoys those events. It has even spurred a poker night (no comments about gambling, please!! It's nickel and dime poker...) among the guys in the group. I love to see him establishing friendships around these hobbies or sports. I believe that's how most men bond. I, on the other hand, need emotional connection with women. I get a great deal of reward and support by being with Christian women. I have a monthly mom's night out with the mom's group at church and maybe have a lunch date with a friend once or twice a month beyond that. I thrive on being able to share with other women about life, kids, and anything else that comes to mind.

This difference is the one that caused the most friction early on in our marriage. I couldn't understand why Jason didn't have many friends that he did things with and he couldn't understand my need to have my girlfriends as such a big part of my life. We have come far in our understanding of the needs we each have in this area. I appreciate that his desire for social time is less than mine and respect it. He, in turn, is very supportive about my time with my girlfriends and the blogging community.

I think lowest on both of our priority lists is individual time. I'm not saying it is not important, but it certainly does not play as crucial a role in our needs as the others. I will often get up early for my bible and prayer time, or take an occasional night to go to a bookstore, and Jason will spend time on his hobby of woodworking. It is important, obviously, to enjoy time spent on our own individual interests, but there will be another season more conducive to this part of our lives. And I'm not a big cheerleader for tons of indivudual time anyway. I believe we were created to be interdependent with our spouse, and that God rejoices in seeing us share in each other's hobbies. Individual time should be a time when we can reconnect with ourselves so we can better serve our spouses and families.

So how do you spend your time? Outside of work and other obligations, what do your temporal priorities look like? I'd love to hear from you!

Labels: Marriage Monday

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.
Proverbs 21:19 and 27:15-16

Mr. Bird was happy.
He was so happy he had to sing.
This was Mr. Bird's song:
"I love my house.
I love my nest.
In all the world
My nest is best!"
Then Mrs. Bird came
out of the house.
"It's NOT the best
nest!" she said.
"I'm tired of this old place,"
said Mrs. Bird. "I hate it.
Let's look for a new place right now!"*

Have you ever acted like Mrs. Bird? I know I have, and I'm not proud of it. I can try to blame it on being a strong, hot-blooded Italian, but I don't think that will fly. I can blame it on the fact that my home growing up, while filled with love, was very loud at times and harbored a couple of bad communication habits, but I think that's a copout. Oh, I know! I can certainly blame it on a society that teaches us women that our men are meant to take our crap and that we are entitled to voice every opinion and vent every emotion freely, regardless of our husbands' tympanic membranes or preference for peace. Nah, that won't work either.

I guess I'll just have to admit fault, and repent. Often.

In all seriousness, I have learned a lesson or two over my 7 years of marriage. I have achieved improvement in the nagging and criticizing area. I still have a way to go, but I think recognizing it is the first step. I now can identify in the midst of my tirade what it is I'm doing, and that wasn't always the case. I also bite my tongue when I sense that my forthcoming response is an overreaction out of proportion with the perceived offense. I try to allow Jason the time and space to accomplish what it is I've asked, and not nag him till he no longer hears me. The bottom line is this: I want to show Jason the respect and honor he deserves. He is the head of our home and I must make this a priority not only for our marriage, but for our children's future marriages as well. On paper it looks simple but there are factors that work against us on a daily basis. For me those factors are:

• Desire for control. This comes straight from scripture, darn that Eve. "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Desire in this context actually means desire to manipulate. It does not have a sexual meaning. I don't just have the sinful desire to control my husband, however, I have a need to control every area of my life. I am a recovering perfectionist and have to monitor my expectations of myself and my family so I do not make life miserable for all of us.


• The need to be heard. This is not a bad need, of course, but it can certainly get out of hand. There are times (last night was one actually...) when Jason is so preoccupied with work that I feel like he's not listening to me. The correct thing to do would be to put him first and help out in any way I can to alleviate his troubles and get his mind refocused. But sometimes the "Mrs. Bird" in me kicks in and I complain and nag simply to try to get his attention. After all, doesn't it stand to reason that the louder I get, the more likely he'll turn to me in loving husband fashion and pay complete attention to what I'm saying? (I hope you caught that sarcasm...) As I said before, I often know that I am doing this but I can't always stop myself.


• My own trials of the day. When I am frayed to the point of no return, I am ready to lash out at whatever poor soul happens to walk through the door. Guess who it usually is. Not the cleaning lady, since we don't have one, but Jason. And this is a problem for everyone. Jason is not immune to this either. When we have had a hard day, all of that frustration has to end up somewhere. There are many healthy ways to rid ourselves of pent-up negative emotions- a brisk walk, prayer, a good scream, a trip to the bookstore- but sometimes before I have a chance to implement one of these, Jason becomes my target.

Ephesians 5:33 says, "the wife must respect her husband." The emphasis is mine, but the words are straight from scripture. We must. Not we should. Respect, in part, means showing verbal honor in and out of our homes. This need in men is one of the strongest- as important as love to a wife. Feeling respected feeds a husband's soul and upholds the masculine nature given by God. Since this is such an important part of serving my husband, it shouldn't matter what kind of day I've had, what my personality is, or how frustrated I am with him at any given time, I have a responsibility to exhibit all of my emotions with control and in a way fitting for a Christian wife. I don't think I'll ever be perfect in this area, much to Jason's chagrin, but I can say that my intent is honest and strong. I desire to cast nagging, criticism, and complaining far from my home, and I hope to someday say I've succeeded.

What about you? Do you have any of Mrs. Bird plaguing your marriage? If you'd like to contribute to this week's Marriage Monday, post about the topic on your blog and link below. Other wise just leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

Labels: Marriage Monday

To see the questions for this week's topic, click here.


Bossy. Insecure. Dynamic. Affectionate. Controlling. Type-A. Prideful. Perfectionist.

These words all describe who I was when I met Jason. It's a miracle he didn't run the other direction!! We were both freshmen in college, I was not yet a Christian, and we were both naive and pretty self-absorbed. I, a first-born, was used to being in control. I excelled in school, knew where my talents lay and chose that path for a career, and was very independent. I traveled from NJ to FL to attend college on my own. Jason was the youngest child in his family, used to living in his brother's shadow, and still living at home while commuting to college. He had found his niche in music. Sometime at the end of freshman year we began dating, a relationship that didn't last more than a couple of months. Marriage to anyone, including him, was the farthest thing from my mind.

Fast forward a few years. I had become a Christian while dating a good Southern Baptist boy (who, coincidentally, went to highschool with Jason) and was seriously considering marrying him. But in typical Christine fashion, I had pushed for a ring, trying to control the situation, and when he we decided he couldn't afford one at that time we both realized that we didn't really have what it took to stay together anyway. I was bossy and domineering and he never expressed his feelings. Bad combination. We broke up soon after we celebrated our 2nd dating anniversary.

A year later, Jason came back into the picture. We were both older, knew a little more what we wanted, and to make a long story short, we began dating again. My faith was growing and I was allowing myself to be molded and refined by God, though what this really meant at the time was that I was starting to see myself as I really was, and it wasn't pretty. I didn't (couldn't) change things all at one time, however, and so there was still a lot of personality baggage I took with me as Jason's and my relationship grew.

Fast forward three years and we were getting married. We took 6 months of Christian pre-marital counseling, learned a bit about marriage and some more about each other. We earned an "A" with our counselor, who said we were refreshing- a couple who actually did the work- which fed my desire to be perfect at everything (that hadn't yet disappeared), but I still did not know that my expectations for marriage were bound by the world's view and not God's. I can't put into words what exactly I expected from Jason and married life, all I can tell you is that those vague expectations were largely unmet and over the first couple of years of marriage, while things were fine, I felt unfulfilled.

Colin was a honeymoon surprise. This news for a man who had told me in no uncertain terms that we weren't even going to discuss having kids for 5 years was a blow to the gut. Our lives changed in a heartbeat and everything I believed about myself and my ability to control life and those around me disintegrated. Colin was the best thing that ever happened to us, but he was an enormous challenge.

Somewhere along the way I found the wisdom of the Proverbs 31 woman, wife and mother. This image spoke to the perfectionist part of me but, combined with the grace that I had gradually begun to take into the core of my being, turned out to be just what I needed. Add to that godly women friends and a marriage retreat that made Jason and I a team even more than our vows had, and you have a recipe for a much more healthy and godly marriage.

I am definitely still a work in progress, but I have learned some important lessons:

• Unmet expectations (especially those that are unspoken) are disasters waiting to happen. Even the small ones can cause friction. For example, Jason sometimes comes home for lunch during the week. If I ask him if he's coming home for lunch on any given day, that to me means home for lunch with us at 11:30 or so. He'll answer yes and then come home at 1 pm. My expectation, unbeknownst to him, meant something different than his answer. This caused a couple of minor tiffs before I realized my expectation was what needed to change.


• My feelings, while real to me, are not reality. I can't make decisions or react based on feelings or someone will inevitably get hurt. And after the feelings subside, more rational behavior will be enjoyed by all.


• We should not revolve our lives around our children. We will sometimes make comments about how daddy and mommy were husband and wife before we were parents. This subtly puts our relationship where it should be- first. We also have date nights on a regular basis and get sitters for the kids to let them know how important our relationship is. We call our anniversary "the birthday of our family" so it is celebrated by all in a special way. Our children will be much more secure knowing Mommy and Daddy come first to each other, rather than as afterthoughts.


• Our differences are good for our family. We don't do things the same way, and we shouldn't. We allow each other the freedom to be different- in our hobbies, our parenting, our communication style, etc.

So there are some of my flaws (of which I have many) and some of the things I have learned that have made our marriage better. Jason is my biggest fan and I am his. I look forward to continued growth in our marriage over the decades to come!

If you would like to share your heart in a post on your blog, please put your link below. Have a happy Monday!

Labels: Marriage Monday

So how do you encourage your husband? How do you show your appreciation and your love for all the things that he does for you? How do you lift him up when he's frustrated or stressed out? Are you the one that he comes to for relief or support, and if not, why not?

These are the questions I've been asking myself this week. I am well aware of the influence I have over Jason on any given day, though I don't always act accordingly. I try to think of ways throughout the day to make him happy or make his life easier. When I asked him what it is I do that encourages him the most, his answer surprised me a bit, but I'll get to that later.

We have a pretty traditional arrangement in our marriage. I take care of the kids, probably 80% of the time, even though I work part time. I am able to work from home so my schedule revolves around our children. I also am the one who provides most of the meals and does much of the home maintenance, though Jason is quick to help out when he can. Jason works a full time job as a music professor at a local university and also works part time at our church. I appreciate his devotion to our family more than I can say. So I do what I can to buoy him up and support him in his work, fatherhood and personal time.

These are some of the things that I try to do on a regular basis:

• Complement him. I tell Jason how wonderful I think he is with the kids, helping around the house, with his performing career and work at the university. I didn't always make this a priority, but I have learned how important my approval can be to him.


• Make his favorite meals. There are times I make something just because I like it, but more often I will think of what he would like to eat. Luckily he's an easy one to cook for, as there are few things he dislikes. I grew up thinking that fish was terribly hard to cook because we never had it. I found out later in life that it's pretty easy, but my mom didn't cook it because she doesn't like it. My dad loves it, though, and my mom is more willing to make it for him now. So I make sure to put Jason's palate above my own the majority of the time. It's a small thing to do to end his day showing how much I love him.


• Encourage his hobbies, and even join in. Jason loves golf. I actually started playing before he did (while in college) but since he began, he has easily surpassed me in skill and love of the game. I love to play with him when I can, but a day out on the course plus babysitting is way too extravagent for a regular date so I try to get him to go play with others. He also has taken up woodworking recently, and I fully support that hobby. He loves working with his hands and has become really good at it in a short period of time. I even gave up the garage for 6 months last year so he could use it as a woodshop. Now that's love!


• I try to keep myself available in the bedroom if at all possible. Being tired is not really much of an excuse, and since we all know sex alleviates headaches, that's not a good one either! It means so much to our husbands to be there physically. Plus, God commands it!

When I asked Jason what I do that most encourages him, however, one of his main answers was that I do things to keep myself happy (mom's nights out, personal devotional time, etc.). He says that when I am happy and answer the phone in a good mood, or have a smile on when he comes home, it makes his day brighter. So on top of those things in the list above, I am going to do my best to not let the little stresses of the day- cranky children, multiple errands, non-napping toddlers- affect my mood when I am interacting with Jason. He conceded that of course, I can't always be in a good mood when things are crazy and I'm having a bad day, but I think the least that I can do is to make an effort for the most important person in my life!

If you'd like to join in and tell us what you do (or can try to do) to encourage your husband, post about it on your blog and put your link below. Please only use Mr. Linky if you have a post to share. Otherwise, I'd love to read your comments in the comments section!

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And come visit me here today:

Labels: Marriage Monday

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has always intrigued me. I have heard her radio show once or twice, seen her on an occasional talk show, and know that she is a controversial and conservative figure in the relationship business. So a while back I purchased her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (who doesn't like that title, hunh?) and finished it a few weeks ago. Anyone who knows a bit about her knows she is quite blunt and is not afraid to speak her mind. But amidst the sermons are a few references to her imperfections in her marriage which place her at our level, in the trenches herself. I, personally, like her style (probably because I sometimes need a good kick in the pants), but it wouldn't surprise me if many of you do not. That being said, I wanted to post an overview of the book and give you a feel for what you'd find if you chose to read it yourselves.

The central theme of the book, obviously, is how we as wives can better care for our husbands. She is pretty hard on us women as a gender and points the finger sharply at what we do to cause dissatisfaction and unhappiness in our marriages. She specifically targets the damage that the feminist movement has inflicted and claims it is the root of the self-centeredness that pervades our lives with our husbands. She contrasts that with the mindset behind a spiritual foundation for marriage:

This grandiose self-centeredness about the value of women, paired with virtual disdain for men, leads women to treat men badly. To many women look at men with a sense of entitlement versus an opportunity for selflessness.

With a religious foundation, both women and men appreciate that they become more complete when bonded with the opposite sex in holy matrimony.

One of my favorite quotes from the book came from one of her listeners, Dan. He says, "A good man is hard to find, not to keep". And this sums up much of the meat of her book. She describes men as simple creatures and says she has never come across one that disagrees with that statement. I checked with my own guinea pig (Jason) and he completely agreed. The book is broken into chapters covering topics such as:

• The White Rabbit Syndrome which points out how we as women need to stop running so fast and put our husbands where they deserve to be- at the top of our priority list.
  

  Your life is constructed of the building blocks of your choices, good ones as well as bad...Prioritizing is a must...And if you don't pick your husband as #1, that favor will, sadly, be returned.

  
  I asked my husband where he thought he was on my priority list. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he thought he was high up on the list. It seems that even if I spend more time on something else during my day it doesn't necessarily translate to him as that thing (homeschooling, church work, kids) being higher on the list. It's my demeanor, my attitude and my willingness to be there for him that counts.


• Nagging- I need to work on this one a little!


• Men and their feelings. Dr. Laura spends a lot of time on this topic making it clear how important it is that we give our husbands lots of encouragement and approval.

  Since men are simple creatures who come from a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration, and approval from a woman, it makes them vulnerable to their woman's moods, desires, tantrums, criticisms, disappointments, dissatisfactions, angers and rejections.



• Communication- or more specifically, how men don't read minds and we need to say what we mean and mean what we say.


• Why sex is so important. That's a whole separate post in the making!


• Respect- one of the most important needs of a man. Here's a great quote from one of Dr. Laura's listeners named Tammy, "You are marrying a man. Always treat him like one and he'll always act like one."

One other subject that she sprinkles throughout the book is how outside influences affect our attitudes in our marriage. This resonated with me because I could recognize how I have been affected myself by articles, ("How many women's mag[azine]s talk about women's obligations to their husbands and children? Not many.", she points out), TV, and even friends. There have been times I have sat amongst friends talking about their husbands in a way that seems like harmless joking (about how men do this and men do that) and realized that the overall tone is that of slight disrespect. I've even caught myself a few times jesting along with them. It is something I now try to recognize and not perpetuate, but it is prevalent among women in general.

I found many nuggets of wisdom within Dr. Laura's book, bluntness and all. Even though I am a Christian wife trying to live out my goal of becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, I was able to pinpoint some areas of needed improvement in myself. A very valuable part of the book for me was the collection of excerpts from her radio show highlighting the problems she writes about. The eye-opening quotes and glimpses into real marriages gave me both examples to follow and avoid.

So what about you? What would your husband say about your "care and feeding" of him? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

And be sure to leave a comment! On Saturday I will choose from random one commenter to receive Dr. Laura's book. So between now and Friday night leave a comment on this post for your chance to win!

Labels: Marriage Monday

Let me share the stories of two couples with you:

The husband and wife in couple A have two young daughters. The father works a normal full-time work week in one job and works some nights and most weekends at another. The family makes time for activities together when at all possible and the children's activities are a priority for both parents. Though Daddy isn't home most of the time, the children do not feel his absence. He is always there in spirit and in the reverence Mommy shows toward the importance of his work. Often on Saturdays when the father is working, Mommy will take both girls and a bag lunch to eat with Daddy at his job. The husband and wife make it a priority to have date nights every other week and keep connected amidst their busy lives. The difference in their daily activities and routine does not detract from the shared life and values that define their family. There are often arguments, even loud ones, but they do not affect the feeling of security the children primarily enjoy.

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Couple B has two young boys. The father works long hours, as in couple A, though is home most weekends. The mother stays home to care for the family and is the driving force behind their routine and daily schedule. Mommy and Daddy make a point to make weekends about the family and spend regular time and energy with the boys. Daddy's work is not discussed or shared within the couple's relationship or in front of the boys. The husband and wife do not share time together outside of the family time that is the priority on weekends. The young sons are the center around which the family operates and the parents' relationship is allowed to take a back seat. There are arguments, sometimes loud ones, and they often create a sense of unrest in the boys.

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These are the stories of real couples Jason and I once knew. While both couples were dedicated to their families, making them the priority over hobbies, activites and personal pursuits, there was one vital difference. Couple A made a concerted effort to uphold the integrity of their own relationship through shared activites and the wife's respect for the husband's work. Maybe I'm overestimating the importance of these characteristics, but I don't believe I am. And in my 7 years of marriage, it has become even more clear to me the crucial nature of the wife's interest in her husband's career and leisure activities.

Jason and I just returned from a trip to Miami for a choral convention. This was our second "business" trip together, both of us being choral conductors, and it proved to be a busy, exciting and rewarding trip, both professionally and relationally. Of course, the career part for me is not as important, though I am a music director at a church, since my primary jobs are those of wife and mom, but I enjoy these times with Jason as we share one of the things that connect us. I have learned through our relationship how much it means to Jason that I share this part of his life. Though I don't actively share in the stresses and events of a professional conducting career, I can appreciate and understand from where his frustrations, excitement, and dedication come.

Just how important this connection is I didn't fully realize until this past year. I have always enjoyed Jason's performances- either singing or conducting- and make it a point to get a sitter so I can attend and be his biggest fan. Sometimes I bring Colin, our oldest, and I look forward to bringing the other children in the future. One approaching performance last year, however, did not have Jason excited. He had been complaining for months about the difficulty in preparing for this particular event, the lack of quality that had him frustrated, and his absence of control over the production due to circumstances beyond his control. He spoke so negatively about it for such an extended period of time that I decided I wouldn't even go. As it came closer to the performance date he asked me if I wanted him to get me a ticket (I had never said no, of course) and I declined. He was crushed. I tried to explain that over the past few weeks he seemed to not want me to attend and that his disappointment with the product was less than motivating. Nevertheless, he needed me there. I went, and he did a wonderful job regardless of his complaining.

I learned a very important lesson that weekend. No matter what the problems surrounding a work event for Jason, my presence demonstrates support of him and not his performance. We have since discussed this particular revelation and I apologized and vowed to always support him even if he thinks something will be unsatisfying.

Not all couples share this type of connection in the husband's work life. But all wives can, and should, learn about and support the career their husbands chose. After all, it is his hard work that primarily, or completely, supports the family. Is your husband an accountant? Ask if you can help with his paperwork during tax season. Is your husband a doctor? Offer to type out his notes from his daily appointments. Is your husband in construction? Visit him on the job and ooh and ahh over what wonderful craftsmanship he displays. Ask him what he needs; find a way to support him even if you don't want to. Every wife should be able to speak highly and informatively about what her husband does, and should always tell the children how important Daddy's job is and how much she appreciates what he does.


The second point to take away from the stories of couples A and B is that of time spent together as a couple. I'm not just speaking of dinners out, either. I'm speaking of the importance of sharing leisure activites on a regular, though maybe not frequent, basis. One of the main joys of being married, in my opinion, is companionship. My friendship with Jason began 15 years ago and we still consider each other our closest friend. We share one major hobby. Jason and I both play golf and love the sport. It is a luxury nowadays but is something we hope to take up again on a regular basis in the future. Jason loves the sport more than I do, but the fact that I find it valuable to play with him and devote the time to him in that way means much more than the final score. We have other separate hobbies, but I enjoy the bonding that results from our shared interests (or even his interests that I take part in) and so it therefore is a priority for me.

Lynn has a series of posts based on the book His Needs, Her Needs and there are posts here and here that address this very topic. I would highly recommend Lynn's series on this book and, of course, the book itself!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences about how you support your husband and share with him in his activities. Use the Mr. Linky below to add your post.

May God bless your marriage this week!

Labels: Marriage Monday

So why Marriage Monday? Why did I come up with this idea and what am I intending for us to get out of it?



Here's a quiz to start us off:

Christine has begun a meme called Marriage Monday because:

1. She has a perfect marriage.


2. She has succeeded in attaining the Proverbs 31 goal of "doing her husband good and not harm all the days of his life".


3. She has been married for decades and thus knows exactly what she is doing in every part of her marriage.


4. She has found that there is just about no greater reward in life than growing into your marriage year by year, and has thus made it her mission to continue to work toward loving her husband more every day even in the midst of her daily mistakes.

If you answered anything but "d", you either don't know me very well, or know me and think that flattery will get you somewhere. In this instance, it won't. (But try it another time and it just might...)

I am just your ordinary Christian woman. I love God and know that one of the best ways to honor Him in my life is to honor and love my husband. I love my children and know that one of the most important gifts I can give them is the example of an honest, loving, forgiving and growing godly marriage between Jason and myself. Thus, Marriage Monday has worked its way into my blog routine.

I hope you are encouraged here, married or not, and I hope you will leave comments with your advice, experiences and questions to help in blessing others. May God bless your marriage relationship!

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My parents celebrated their 35th anniversary yesterday. I am lucky enough to have parents that did the hard work to make their commitment to each other one of the most important things in their lives. There were some things in their marriage that were difficult, no doubt, but when it comes down to it, they cared more about each other than those conflicts. With the divorce rate so high in our country I do not for a moment take for granted the example they have given me to follow. Thanks Mom and Dad!

So how do you grow a marriage to 35 years and beyond? How do you get through the many ages and stages of a relationship, with or without children, and become better as a couple and as individuals?

There's a lot of emphasis today on compatibility. Internet dating sites compete over who has the most compatibility indicators in their personality profiles. Almost 50% of divorcing couples cite "incompatibility" as their reason*, and they go their separate ways, searching, hoping that they will soon find someone else they will be more compatible with. And yet do we really know what compatibility means, or are we merely looking for a term that means "requiring-little-effort"?

compatible- (adj.) capable of existing or living together in harmony.

The definition doesn't say, "will automatically work together in harmony", it says capable of. There's a big difference there. When two people marry, they carry many influences with them into the relationship- family backgrounds, fears and dreams, expectations, habits, personal preferences, differing personalities and communication styles, etc., etc., etc. Jason and I once heard it said in a seminar that "compatibility is a myth- no two unique and flawed individuals can ever be compatible with each other". While I don't agree with that statement completely, based on the true definition of compatibility, I understand where the speaker was coming from. Our expectations to be "compatible" with our spouse can override the reality of the work that must inevitably go into marriage. And when expectations are not met, conflict will ultimately result.

All disappointment [anger, hurt] comes from unmet expectations.

On our first Weekend to Remember marriage conference a couple of years ago, this quote jumped out at Jason and me. I had been experiencing a lot of disappointment. Things were just not going my way and I harbored resentment toward Jason. I had a tendency to blame him for my problems and expect him to fulfill every need that I had. This tendency did not allow for much grace to penetrate our marriage. Our marriage had gotten off to a great start- we were friends for years, we took 6 months of Christian premarital counseling and then another 6 months after the wedding, and we had a strong commitment to each other. However, due to unrealistic expectations for both of us and a lot of stress surrounding children and jobs, we had fallen into a rut of repetitive conflict. That weekend retreat turned my negativity around and showed me how to reorder my priorities and reset my expectations.

One expectation that I believe comes from today's culture is that if you communicate well enough and have good conflict/resolution skills, all conflict can be resolved. This, I have found is just not true. There are some things in marriage that you may never agree on, and they may be important things. While you may not be able to come to a solution that both of you love, however, you can learn to respect each other's point of view and eventually come toward the middle in the name of compromise.

In our premarital counseling, we were each encouraged to actually rate the importance of the issue at hand. Giving the topic of conflict a rating of 1-10 on the scale could show us which way to lean when coming to some sort of decision. For example, for Jason and I the issue of baptism came up when Colin was a few months old. Jason, being raised in the Episcopal church, wanted Colin baptized as an infant. I was baptized as an adult and don't see much salvation value in a passive baptism as an infant. To me its more of a dedication. The issue was much more important to Jason than me and I compromised in the end. All of our children have been baptized as babies. Do I agree with infant baptism? Not really. Does it negatively affect my children's spiritual journey? No.

Of course, as a wife, I believe that the decision, after honest and respectful discussion, will ultimately fall to my husband and I will support whatever that may be. But Jason believes my input to be just as valuable as his own and therefore it becomes a joint process.

For smaller conflicts, there's a wonderful story I posted a while back which I called "List of Ten" and it highlights grace and forgiveness in marriage. If you have time before you head off for the day, check it out!

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Tomorrow Jason and I are headed to Miami, FL for a choral convention/vacation. It will be just the two of us and I'm looking forward to the time together! Next week I will be posting on the importance of supporting your spouse in his work, since that's what I'm doing this week, and I hope you'll be back to join me!


*statistic from Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus

Labels: Marriage Monday